|::: Smile Jokes :::| Joke

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. The doctors operated and informed him that all went well. However, he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Concerned that there was a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally mustered up the energy to pull his hospital gown down far enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the type that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:-

"Have a speedy recovery ... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

 

 

Thank you

K.Shanmukesh

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|::: Smile Jokes :::| Smile Jokes of the Day For March 31, 2008

A vicar was giving the children's message during a church service.

For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation.

He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is."

The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause)"

"and eats nuts (pause)..."

No hands went up.

"And it is grey (pause)"

"And has a long bushy tail (pause) . . .”

The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised.

"And it jumps from branch to branch (pause)"

"And chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause) . . .”

Finally, one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The vicar breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.

"Well," said the boy, "I KNOW the answer must be Jesus -- but it sounds just like a squirrel to me!"

 

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|::: Smile Jokes :::| April Fool's Day

 

Practical Jokes & Tricks

April fool’s Day is the opportunity to trick your friends or loved ones and even strangers and play practical jokes on them. Here are some out of the world ideas for you.

• Rearrange somebody's drawers or file cabinets in a different order and see them baffled.
• Hard boil an egg and place it in the regular egg carton the night before. In the morning, ask someone to help you make breakfast and beat the egg to make omelets. Hand them the hard-boiled egg and watch them trying to crack it!
• On the other hand, you may just glue the eggs to the carton and ask someone to hand them to you in the morning. As the victims struggle to take the eggs out of the carton, they break.
• There are lots of fantastic tricks for heavy sleepers. Some of the popular ones are:

• Draw funny eyebrows and moustache on their faces while they are asleep.
• o Place some whipped cream in their hands and tickle their nose with a feather.
• o Placing someone's hand while they are asleep in a bowl of cold water is a sure way to make them wet their beds.

• Go to office early by half an hour on April 1 and tape down the ball at the bottom of everybody's mouse. See everybody surprised to find out that nobody's mouse is working. Works only on scroll mouse.
• This one is to play Dr Dolittle. Tape a little walky-talky on your pet or hide it somewhere near where it is laying. Walk off to a safe distance where you can keep yourself hidden from others with the other piece. As soon as another family member tries to pick up or pat on the back of your pet, say in a gruff voice, "I hate you doing this to me." See them jump with fright and shock.
• Late at night, fill the hair-dryer with baby powder. Catch the expression of someone who has just washed his or her hair and turned it white by using the hair dryer.
• This can be done in class, office or home. Ask your friends, colleagues and siblings to perform particular actions together at the same pre-planned time like dropping their pencils at the same time, to tie shoelaces, to reboot their computers, to drink water or any such innocent actions. These synchronized actions are sure to surprise anybody who will wonder about what is happening.
• Good for teachers. Tell your students that you are just going to note the scores that they have got on their tests or exams and will hand out to them after an hour. Go to the room and them keep running out looking like very scared and tell them that the principal has just spilled coffee or ink on the test/examination papers and they will have to take them again. Note their reactions and exclamations. You can bet that the dullest of all students will loudly claim that they had done their best this time and it is not fair to them. Then you can tell them how much they have really scored.

 

Tips for Successful Pranks

 

It takes wit, humor, skills, understanding of human reactions and practice to be a master prankster and a practical joker. Here are some tips that will help you to fool and hoax people successfully on April Fool's Day and see their flushed faces as their reactions change from being shocked or stunned to being embarrassed and then to a roaring laughter or a funny smile.

• Improvisations help enhance a prank by various degrees. Using ketchup or tomato sauce as blood can even be enhanced a little more if you use thick tomato gravy to make blood clots at a place or two. Give life to a plastic lizard by tying it with an invisible string and make it jump on the victim suddenly. You can also place a plastic bug inside some dish and if the restaurant manager is the victim, you can brawl and complain as much as you like. Improvise on the gluing the penny to the floor by cutting the penny in half using cutco scissors and keep the other half. Just see how many people try to pick even this half penny up.
• Distractions of the victim help a lot while you are working on your pranks. While the person is busy with something, make someone who is masked ring the bell and attack the victim with the artificial knife whose blade pushes inside as soon as it touches something. Don't try this on a person with a weak heart. Ask a friend to give a ring to the victim's telephone and engage him an exciting and interesting conversation. Arrange a plastic skeleton at his side facing him and watch him being shocked from the sudden appearance of the ghost.
• Be accompanied by your friends and disciples to assist you. Not only they are of great help as the one to distract, they can also be of help and at least call the police, if something goes awry and you need to escape of even face the butt ends of your pranks.
• A master is always known by its resourcefulness and readiness. Be always ready to play a prank and catch your friends. The pen that gives you a slight shock as soon as one removes the cap can always be kept in your breast pocket. Fake rubber or funny-tasting candies can be casually distributed to any number of people you like while the onion juice in a fancy small perfume bottle can easily fit into your pocket. A small ketchup pouch can help you produce the effect of the spilled blood wherever and whenever you like and pushback artificial knife can shock anyone at anytime.
• The right prank for the right person is the trick of the trade. A fake car scratch or broken glass tattoo is good for people who love their cars. Place a transparent plastic sheet on one's favorite carpet or book and drop gravy or ink on it. Foods that look delicious and taste funny are meant for those who can't themselves from tasting just a bit of everything that looks good and edible.
• No one can become a master without a real interest at perfection. So, if you really want to become a master prankster, leave no way of escape for your victim. You may even want to watch Home Alone Part 1 for the idea of what I am talking about. Place a number of pranks at a number of places for the victim, so that once targeted by you, they cannot escape. Placing the tube of shaving cream with the toothbrush of the sleepy friend can be put in combo with a face soap that makes you dirty in the soap box the towel that is clean outside but has powdered color inside.
• Good planning and careful study of the victim's schedule and mode of behavior always help in deploying successful pranks. You may need to lay a trap for the victim days in advance so that he/she won't suspect a thing on the intended day. One good prank is to carefully note the time when the victim normally uses his bathroom first time in the morning. Then place a transparent plastic sheet over his/her toilet tile a little before that or after the victim finally falls asleep in the night. Let down the toilet seat. Don't forget to capture a photograph of their expression when they come out.
• Learn to control the excitement to get a hand at your victim to avoid blowing the cover of your state-of-the-art prank that you have placed for them. Try not to rush them or force them to do a thing or try something just because you are eager to see the result for if they smell the rat, all your efforts will get wasted.
• Two or more jokes combined together heighten the effect. Much-awaited letter delivered to the victim's home early in the morning by their beloved fetching an appointment, fake snakes and plastic spiders in their cereal box and wallet/purse, credit and debit cards replaced by thick plastic sheet board of the same size, keys replaced with another set that looks same but cannot open the locks, onion juice in the perfume bottle and soap water in the milk bottle early in the morning are just the perfect ways to start pranking on the April Fool's Day.
• Use your skills of acting and learn to keep a straight face while you pull off pranks. You have to make people believe in you to be a master. If you are entering the classroom with a fake black eye wound and a cast on, be sure to limp a little and groan from time to time.

Thanks

 

skvm

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|::: Smile Jokes :::| Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math’s problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

 

 "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking.

Thanks

Shanmukesh

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|::: Smile Jokes :::| Smile Jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

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How do you make a double bass sound in tune?

Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

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A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.

 

He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"

 

The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"

 

The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."

 

The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house.

 

Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.

 

"Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."

 

 

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|::: Smile Jokes :::| GOOD MORNING............

 

 

"Don't lower your Goals to the level of your abilities.

Instead, raise your abilities to the height of your goals”

Every moment, every situation, every issue and

Every concern has a positive side.

Find it and bring it to life....

 

 

Have a Lovely Week...!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks & Regards,

 

R.Venkatesan

 

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|::: Smile Jokes :::| Smile Jokes of the Day For March 30, 2008

Two mushrooms met at a bar one night...

After a short conversation, the boy mushroom said to the girl mushroom, "Hey, wanna go out with me on a date tomorrow night?"

The girl mushroom, somewhat put off by the boy mushroom's forward advances, replied, "No."

"Why not?" asked the boy mushroom. "I am really a fungus!"

 

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|::: Smile Jokes :::| Doctor

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a success- full doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet.

 

"What's this," she asked.

 

"Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"

 

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|::: Smile Jokes :::| Grandmother

Linda, whose daughter had just given birth to a beauty- full, healthy baby, showed up for a lunch date looking less cheerful than Jill expected.

 

"What's wrong," Jill asked. "Are you depressed by the fact that you're a grandmother?"

 

Linda responded with a barely perceptible smile. "No,"

 

She said. "It's just that I'm not crazy about having to sleep with a grandfather."

 

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|::: Smile Jokes :::| Smile Jokes-a-day

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|::: Smile Jokes :::| Smile Jokes of the Day For March 28, 2008

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age."

"Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

 

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|::: Smile Jokes :::| Sardarji Jokes

 A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered huge Loss. Do u know what the business was? . . . .. . . . . .. . . He opened a Saloon in Punjab!

***

A sardarji photographer is focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function, suddenly all dead persons relatives beat him. why? He said "SMILE PLEASE"

***

Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, and sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardarji: "I've been promoted as branch manager."

***

Why is a Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth................. Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light"

***

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know Why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

***

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It's already raining. Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

***

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg? O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.

***

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

***

Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet Sardar: - Why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....

***

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce. Judge asked: How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children? Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR

***

Sardar's wish: when i die, i wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all d passengers in d bus he was driving..

***

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up- We must find & stop her!.

***

A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning. Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.

***

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies. Sardarji goes 2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words. It is 'U R STANDNG ON the OXGN TUBE!"

***

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. His wife asked what you are doing. He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.

***

Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it? Guess what...---To avoid side effect!!!

***

Man: Sardarji where were u born? Sardarji: Punjab. Man: Which part? Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".

***

IN COURT during a case: Lawyer to Sardar: Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke ..... Sardar: yeh kya, Sita pe haath lagaya to court me bulaiya. ab kehte ho gita pe haath rakho.....

***

Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing me. I don't know how she got my no, She interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"

***

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found Mrs Sardar painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results put on two coats"

***

A sardar was drawing money from ATM, The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). The first sardar replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong, Its 1258.

***

Q:) How do u recognize a sardar in school or college???

A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard... BOLO tarara!!

***

Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale? A:) Because he wanted to measure how much he has slept........

***

Santa Singh MBBS. After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his own practice. He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the Tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch. Finally he said Battery is Ok !

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