Joke

The Pope wakes up one morning with a huge erection. Thinking that it wasn't very Catholic, he tries to get rid of it. Unfortunately, walking around the room, thinking about the Bible and even getting some fresh air on the balcony all fail to soften him up. With only one option left, he sat down on the balcony and relieved himself.

Later, the Pope was walking around Rome, when a man with a camera approached him. "Hello, Mr. Pope," the man says. "Six o'clock this morning, on the balcony, I think you know what I'm talking about."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean," the Pope replied.

"Oh, I think you do," the man retorted, "and 50 thousand will buy you the camera."

Worried and confused, the Pope paid up and took the camera.

Back in the Vatican, one of the Pope's aides was asking about the camera. "A chap in town sold it to me for 50 thousand," the Pope explained.

"50 thousand?" said the aide. "Wow, he must've seen you coming."

 

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Joke of the Day

A little boy put on his baseball uniform and went outside to play, chanting "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!" He throws the ball in the air, swings and misses. Strike one!



He adjusts his hat and says, "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!"



He throws the ball in the air, swings and misses. Strike two!



He adjusts his hat a little more, takes a couple of practice swings and says, "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!"



Once more, he throws the ball in the air, swings and misses again. Strike three!



He thinks for a few moments about what just took place, then says, "I'm the best pitcher in the world!"

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Fast

A Japanese tourist came to the Philippines for a vacation.

He wasn't all that impressed by the country, of course. On his way
to the hotel from the airport he was busy complaining to the taxi
driver: "Bah, things here so slow!", he complained.

They passed by a train station and he complained: "Trains here so
slow! In Japan we have bullet train. Travels from Tokyo to Osaka in
just minutes." The driver said nothing.

They passed by the freeway and he complaind: "Traffic here so slow.
You buy car from Japan and you drive slow. Roads too small! In Japan
we have 10 lanes for cars, you have 5. The driver said nothing.

When they arrived at the hotel he asked: "How much do I pay?" The
driver said:"That's 1,000 pesos." "1000!!!", the Japanese shouted in
shock. "How come so big?"

The driver smirked and said: "Sir, taxi meter `Made in Japan' and
you're right - it is fast!"

 

 

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The illiterate immigrant

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved
his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he
had enough money to send for the wife and children.  The work kept
him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank
was happy to do business with him, even though his signature
consisted of two X's.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to
private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one
staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea.  One day
his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.

"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him.  "Perhaps nothing," he said,
"but I wanted to be on the safe side.  These recent checks of yours
are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2."

Greenberg looked embarrassed.  "I'm sorry about making trouble," he
said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich
guy, I should have a middle name!"

 

 

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The salesman

    It was the old story of a salesman finding himself stranded in the
country and knocking on the door of the only pub in town.

    "Well, we don't have a spare room," said the proprietor, "but you
are welcome to share with the little red-headed school teacher if you
like."

    The salesman could hardly contain his excitement. "Oh thanks. I will
be a real gentleman."

    "That's good," said the publican. "So's the little red-headed school
teacher!"

 

 

 

 

A real working farm

I was visiting some friends who have a real working farm. I was
watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend's wife
came out to feed them. The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and
ran over to begin eating.

   I stood there thinking to myself, "Damn ! I hope I never get that
hungry."

 

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Joke of the Day

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.



Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.



After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,



"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"

 

 

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Family Jokes

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

 

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