Friday, January 7, 2011

| Smile Jokes : 225 | SmileJokes of the Day For January 06, 2011

Friday, January 7, 2011 0

 

 

 

 

Best Joke in the world A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ Second Place Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “ Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment. “ Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!” Top joke in USA A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid- swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” Top joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. The Russians used a pencil. Top joke in Australia This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor !?” The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “ Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....” Top joke in Belgium Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks Top joke in Germany A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.” Top joke in UK A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “ The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.” Top Joke in England Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk Top Joke in Wales A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.” Top joke in northern ireland A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.” Also Runs Texan: “Where are you from?” Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.” Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?” An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.” Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?” What do you call a monkey in a minefield ? A Baboom ! A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !” Which day of the week do fish hate?....... Fry-Day And, saved till last, -- Thanks Liamvks@gmail Smile Jokes | Tamil Jokes | Face Book | Feedback | Support | Subscribe |Fresh Jobs | Group : http://groups.google.com/group/smilejoke
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted by Unknown at 10:07 PM

| Smile Jokes : 224 | SmileJokes of the Day For January 05, 2011

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?" -- Thanks Liamvks@gmail Smile Jokes | Tamil Jokes | Face Book | Feedback | Support | Subscribe |Fresh Jobs | Smile Jokes : http://groups.google.com/group/smilejoke
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted by Unknown at 9:51 PM

| Smile Jokes : 223 | SmileJokes of the Day For January 04, 2011

 

A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!" Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!" Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?" "Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!" The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!" -- Thanks Liamvks@gmail Smile Jokes: http://groups.google.com/group/smilejoke?hl=en
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted by Unknown at 9:49 PM

| Smile Jokes : 222 | SmileJokes of the Day For January 03, 2011

 

 

 

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks. The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. -- Thanks Liamvks@gmail Smile Jokes | Tamil Jokes | Face Book | Feedback | Support | Subscribe |Fresh Jobs |
 

Posted by Unknown at 10:10 AM

| Smile Jokes : 221 | SmileJokes of the Day For January 02, 2011

A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asked. "I think I'm having a heart attack," cries her husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grasp the phone but, just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son come up and says, "Mommy, Mommy, Auntie Shirley is hiding in the closet and she has no clothes on." The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, rushes right past her husband, rips open the closet door and, sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. "You damn idiot," screams the blonde. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!" Next Jokes : Sardarji-jokes Thanks Liamvks@gmail Smile Jokes | Tamil Jokes | Face Book | Feedback | Support | Subscribe |Fresh Jobs |  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted by Unknown at 9:46 AM
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