Men Never Listen

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

 

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.

 

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

 

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

 

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

 

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

 

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

 

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

 

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

 

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

 

 

It's Tough Getting Old

 

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical

 with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says,

 "I will need a urine sample,

a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

 

The man, being hard of hearing,

turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

 

The wife yells back to him,

"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

 

The Blonde Pregnant with Twins

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and starting jumping up and down along with her.

 

 

She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping, and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

 

 

Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

 

She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

 

 

 

Jest For Kids

 

RIDDLES

 

What happened when the owl lost his voice?

He didn't give a hoot!

 

Why are baseball players so rich?

Because they play on diamonds! (Mike, 9)

 

When is a lion not a lion?

When it turns into a den. (Lilit)

 

What branch of the armed forces is best for babies?

The infantry. (Betty Debnam)

 

Why shouldn't you listen to people who have just come out of the

swimming pool?

Because they are all wet. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

 

PUNS

 

The poet had written better poems, but he'd also written verse.

 

These 2 atoms were walking around when one atom says to the other

one, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!" The other atom says "Are you

sure?" He replies "Yes, I'm positive"

 

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are

overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

 

I called the plumber on the phone, "Can you come over and fix my

kitchen sink again?" His encouraging reply, "You know I'm always at

your disposal." (Gary Hallock)

 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 

GROANERS

 

"Look at this mess!" roared the angry customer at a local cafe,

pointing to his squashed donut. "It's just as you ordered it, sir,"

the waitress replied meekly. "You told me to bring you coffee and a

doughnut, and step on it."

 

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer

period with his new students when one of them asked the usual

question, "If our chute doesn't open and the reserve doesn't open,

how long do we have before we hit the ground?" The jump master looked

at him very seriously and said, "You have the rest of your life."

 

In ancient times, workers in a popular deli were told that they could

eat anything they wanted during lunch hour -- anything, that is,

except the very expensive smoked salmon. Thus, were created the

world's first anti-lox breaks!

 

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about

the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to

read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his

sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how

many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and

said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my

sermon on the sin of lying."

 

***

 

Next Joke

 

The one-l lama, He's a priest.

The two-I llama, He's a beast.

And I will bet A silk pajama

There isn't any three-l lllama

(Ogden Nash)

 

Caesar: To visually perceive a female. "He has a seizure every time

he CAESAR." (Jeff Foxworthy)

 

Cancel: "If we throw in a free VCR, we CANCEL many more wide-screen TVs

this month."

 

I tried one of those baby changing stations in a public rest room but

I think it was broken. I kept getting the same baby back. (Kimberly

Ciesiolka from Ruminations)

 

"I love to go white water rafting?" Tom rapidly answered

Doctor

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."

"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"

"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

 

 

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"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

 

 

 

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"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"

"Yes, of course..."

"Great! I never could before!"

 

 

 

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 A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

 

 

 

 

God is missing !

Two little boys, aged 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

 

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

"Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

 The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

 When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

 The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "Boss we are in BIG trouble this time."

 ("I just LOVE reading next line again and again")

 ...........

 ...

 ...

 ...

 ...

 ...

 ...

 ....

 "GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

 

 

 

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Job

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

 

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Joke of The Day For Jan 02, 2008

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions.

 
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

 
During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.


The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

 
"Oye, I finished the exam in half and hour ". "But yaar ", he says,

 

 

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