Mistaken Drunk

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line,

 

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake!"

 

 

 

New Year's Day Party - That Never Was?

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Jim, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.

Hoping to keep the peace Jim ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Jim. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Jim told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.

'See?' Janet said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.' 

 

 

 

 

A Bad Dream?

 

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package.  Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

 

Joke of The Day For Dec 12, 2007

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

 

Thanks

Smile Jokes

 

Joke - Keep Smiling..!

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the
dinosaur bones.

One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones
are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their
age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old
when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

 

Thanks

Smilejokes

v v v 

 

Joke - Keep Smiling..!

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the
dinosaur bones.

One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones
are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their
age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old
when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

 

Thanks

Latha

v v v 

 

New Year's Day Prayer for one and all

 

Dear Lord,

 

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

 

Amen

 

lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"

"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.

 

Joke of The Day

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

***

What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

 

 

 

v v v 

 

The Union House

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and
decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union
house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down
the street in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a
more equitable shop.

His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the
madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and
pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the
night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame while gesturing to a
grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has
seniority."

 

 

v v v 

 

Marcel Marceau

If you've ever been to California, especially the Los Angeles area,
you know that there are a lot of strange companies doing business out
there. Some of the strangest are the "agencies" that cater to
celebrities. Places that will, for a fee, analyze your best colors,
surroundings, wardrobe, you name it.

A bit up the road, the Gallo winery was looking for something for
their employees to do in the off-season. Most of the employees had
highly trained noses, due to their experience in the winery and with
wines.

So, the Gallo brothers took the incentive and opened up their own
agency in Beverly Hills. For a fee, of course, you could come in and
be "sniffed" by these trained noses. Afterwards, they would analyze
your best scents for perfume, flowers, incense, and so on.

Well, Marcel Marceau read about this in his Sunday paper, and he
decided that this was just the thing he'd been looking for. So, he
called the agency and set up an appointment for the coming Friday at
3:00pm.

Thursday came, and by this time Marcel was really excited about his
upcoming appointment.

He was at home, thinking about how he should prepare for his
"sniffing," when the phone rang: it was his agent. Marcel had to be
at an emergency benefit performance for natural disaster victims in
Australia. He had to be on the plane to Sydney at 3:00pm on Friday.

Marcel was crestfallen. He was so much looking forward to his
appointment, and now he would have to miss it.

Suddenly, he got an idea: "I'll call them. I'll try to move the
appointment up a few hours."

So, he called the agency and pleaded with the receptionist to
please, PLEASE, let him come in a few hours early for his "sniffing."

The receptionist, in her best Beverly Hills attitude, practically
glared him down through the phone line, saying, "Monsieur Marceau! We
will smell no mime before it's time!"

 

 

v v v 

 

 

 

Dancer - Joke

  A lady at the far end of the bar waves her arm in the air to get the attention of the waiter and by doing that, exposes her hairy armpit. Down the other end of the bar is a very drunk man who says

 “Hey, get the ballerina a drink would you.”

“How do you know she’s a ballerina?”

“Well, no one else would get their leg up that high.

 

 

 

New Year's Day Prayer for one and all

 

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

 

 

Feedback

 

 

Sardarji

Sardarji went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.

He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned

to tell the salesman

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.

"Damn, he recognised me," he thought.

He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut, new hair colour,

new outfit, big sunglasses, waited a few days, saw the salesman again.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.

Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

 

***

 

10- Why did 18 Sardars go to a movie?

Because below 18 was not allowed.

 

***

 

11- How do you measure Sardarji's intelligence?

Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear

 

***

 

12- Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears.

Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile,

checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefoot!"

 

***

 

13- What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

 

***

 

14- What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you? Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

 

***

 

15- How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

 

 

FeedBack

 

Happy New Year's

A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his

 

friend and asks for a cigarette.

 

'I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit

 

smoking,' his friend says.

 

'I'm in the process of quitting,' the man says.

 

'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

 

'What's phase one?'

 

'I've quit buying.'

A depressed man

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

 

Wig Deal

Three aged angels in retirement found that their cash was starting to
run out. The trio desperately needed money, not only to acquire basic
necessities, but to buy bright jewelry for themselves to add to their
luminescence.

So they went to a financial adviser. She looked them over and noted
that, although the three angels had become wrinkled, they still
sported gorgeous heads of golden locks and tresses.

Realizing that such spectacular hair would be in great demand from
wig makers, the adviser advised the trio to "hock the hair, old
angels. Bring glory and some new-earned bling."

(From "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel ©2007
Marion Street Press)

Wig Deal: Hark! The herald angels sing. Glory to our new-born
king" ("Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" by Felix Mendelssohn and
Charles Wesley)

 

v v v 

 

21st Century Marriage ....

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

 

 

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door,

Breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

 

 

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

 

 

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

 

 

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

 

 

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive !"

 

 

 

Contact Agreement

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

 

Dear Sir:

 

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to

Pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have

Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of

The funds needed to honor it.

 

 

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my

Entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only

Eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of

Opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for

The inconvenience caused to your bank.

 

 

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused

Me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I

Personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging prerecorded,faceless entity

Which your bank has be come.

 

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood

Person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no

Longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed

Personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must

Nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any

Other person to open such an envelope.

 

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your

Chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in

Order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,

There is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical

 

History must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory

Details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)

Must be accompanied by documented proof.

 

 

 

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she

Must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28

Digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses

Required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.As

They say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

 

 

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press

Buttons as follows:

 

 

1. To make an appointment to see me

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is

Required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the

Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put

On hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

 

 

 

Uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. While this may, on

Occasion, involve a lengthy wait, Regrettably, but again following your

Example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of

This new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less

Prosperous New Year?

 

 

Your Humble Client

 

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman )

 

Unusual situation In the restroom

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

 

 

 

Joke

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

 

v v v 

 

Joke of the Day for Dec 26, 2007

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

v v v 

 

 

Glossary of PC Messages

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows
and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the
bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

 

v v v 

 

Feral cats

My wife, looking very proud of herself, had our
recently adopted feral cat sitting in her lap begging to be
petted. This was in dramatic contrast to how wild the cat
was when we originally received him.  She asked me what I
thought his feral friends would say if they could see him
now.

   I responded quickly, "They would probably all laugh
and tease him about being human whipped."

 

Benny

 An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a

 deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a

 farmer happened by with his big old horse named

 Benny.

 

 The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could

 pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched

 Benny to the man's car bumper.

 

 Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull."

 Benny didn't move.

 

 Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger."

 Still, Benny didn't move.

 

 Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull

 hard."

 Benny just stood.

 

 Then the farmer nonchalantly said,

 "Okay, Benny, pull."

 

 Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

 

 The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked

 the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name

 three times.

 

 The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he

 thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even

 try."

v v v