SmileJokes of the Day For March 12, 2008

An elderly woman walked into the local country church the friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

 

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.

 

Doctor Jokes

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

***

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: A little down in the mouth.

***

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?

Doctor: Sell!

***

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

Doctor: A shoebox.

***

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress; I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid SOB!!!!!

***

Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?

Optometrist to patient: Don't worry; you won't be able to see the difference.

***

 

Thanks

Mala

 

 

 

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Sewage

A C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.

 

The aircraft commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

 

When the commander berated the airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the airman responded, "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I'm pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

 

Avid golfer

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.

Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.

 

Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."

 

The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her.

 

Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."

 

The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"

 

The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fuck."

 

The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"

 

The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap.

You see, I caught her last time!"

 

Driving down a country lane

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

 

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

 

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

 

The husband looked around at the fields incredulously and asked the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"

 

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

 

Father & son

Father: If you pass your examination, I will give you a two-wheeler.

Son: Will it be a scooter or a cycle?

Father: As you wish.

Son: And if I fail?

Father: Then I will give you a three-wheeler--a cycle rickshaw.