Wednesday, January 9, 2008
A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, "Meow."
- If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
- When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
- Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
- First draw your curves, then plot your data.
- Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
- Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
- To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
- If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
- In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
- Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
- Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
- All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
- No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
- Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
- You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card. You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.
- You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
- You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
- You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
- You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well
Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."
After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."
