Calf... ????

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's post-dated six years from now."

 

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True love

This is what True Love is all about: It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 a.m., when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.     I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him look at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation.  I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer' s Disease . As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are? " He smiled as he patted my hand and said, " She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."  I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life." True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.   With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there are some that come along that have an important message, and this is one of those kind. Just had to share it with you all.  v v v

 

school joke

 

TEACHER : Students , can you use the word "FASCINATE" in a sentence ?

ARUN : Yes maam! I am having ten buttons in my shirt but I can only fasten eight!!!


TEACHER : Can you use the word " GLADIATOR" in a sentence?

ARUN: Yes maam! A lion ate my aunty and I am GLAD HE ATE HER!!

 

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Bunch Of Jokes!!!

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?

Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

 

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?

Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste? Customer : No, I can't.

Waiter : Then does it really matter?

 

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.

Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

 

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

 

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.

Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

 

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?

Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

 

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

 

Lady : Is this my train?

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.

Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

 

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?

Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

 

Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : Yes and no.

 

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

 

Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?

Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.

Customer : I bet you, it won't.

Post Master : Why not?

Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

 

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.

'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'

'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.

'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

 

Girl : Do you love me?

Boy : Yes Dear.

Girl : Would you die for me?

Boy : No, mine is undying love.

 

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.

1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

 

Man : How old is your father?

Boy : As old as me.

Man : How can that be?

Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

 

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"

Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field

Teacher : How?

Student : Ladies first.

 

Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.

Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

 

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting,

"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"

"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.

"Come in to the living room and tell me about it.""Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

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Good-bye

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

 

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The Genie

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are

walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an

antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff

of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes,

so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the

Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal,

"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal

masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my

life."  Poof!  He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.  The partner says,

"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

 

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Joke of the Day for Dec 23, 2007

 

 

On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?"

He looked up. "This IS your last day of skiing."



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Babay Jokes

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!

 

 

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Airplane

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

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Bill Gates and Santa

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for
Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One
candidate is Santa Singh an Indian (Punjabi) guy. Bill Gates thanked all
the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program
to leave.2000 people leave the room. Santa says to himself, 'I do not
know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try' Bill
Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more
than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Santa says to
himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose
if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays. Then Bill Gates asked
candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people
leave the room. Santa says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what
have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room. Lastly, Bill Gates asked
the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave
the room. Santa says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo -
Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with
one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two
candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a
conversation together in that language.' Calmly, Santa turns to the
other candidate and says 'Hor Phaphe ki haal chaal?.' The other
candidate answers ' O Vadiya veere, tu Sunna'.

 

 

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