Lawyer

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

Sleep

 I love to sleep. It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

God News

A doctor tells his patient -
"I've got some good news and I've got some bad news for you".

So, the patient asks, "What's the good news, Doc?"

And the doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you!"

Little Johnny

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was
getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what
to do? The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up,
you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring
him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list,
leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts
he Requests," Two days before Christmas, Johnny's
father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. I want
a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I
wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn
train going around the damn tree. And when I go
outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against
the damn garage.
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled
over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down
stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching
his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of
dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside
with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and
asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find
the son-of-a-bitch!"