Truck driver

 

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road.
Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.
He turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

 

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couple

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty five." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies - that's amazing!"

 

 

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Teacher

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word definitely' in a sentence?"

First little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange depending on the weather."

Second, a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold," said the teacher.

Little Matthew, from the back of the class, stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Matthew! That's disgusting, of course not!!!"

"OK... then I DEFINITELY shit my pants."

 

 

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Joke

The Pope wakes up one morning with a huge erection. Thinking that it wasn't very Catholic, he tries to get rid of it. Unfortunately, walking around the room, thinking about the Bible and even getting some fresh air on the balcony all fail to soften him up. With only one option left, he sat down on the balcony and relieved himself.

Later, the Pope was walking around Rome, when a man with a camera approached him. "Hello, Mr. Pope," the man says. "Six o'clock this morning, on the balcony, I think you know what I'm talking about."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean," the Pope replied.

"Oh, I think you do," the man retorted, "and 50 thousand will buy you the camera."

Worried and confused, the Pope paid up and took the camera.

Back in the Vatican, one of the Pope's aides was asking about the camera. "A chap in town sold it to me for 50 thousand," the Pope explained.

"50 thousand?" said the aide. "Wow, he must've seen you coming."

 

 

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Beer and Female Hormones

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

 

 

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2 cows

These 2 cows are standing in a paddock. They strike up a conversation, as cows are want to do.

"Hi, how are you?"
"Good, how are you"
"Oh, pretty good. . . actually that's not quite true. I'm a little worried really"
"Good heavens, why. What could you have to worry about?"
"Well, it's Mad Cow Disease, actually"
"But we're in Australia; it's not going to effect us"
"You never know. Viruses are very good at traveling. You can never be sure where they're going to turn up next. To be honest, I can't believe you're not concerned yourself"
"About Mad Cow disease?"
"Yeah"
"Well it's not really my problem is it"
"Why not!"
"Well I'm a rabbit"

 

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Interview

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

 

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Receptionist

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.

"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

 

 

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Bill Gates

Bill Gates dies He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case: I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "What's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

 

 

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Shutup

There were three friends riding in a car. Their names were Manners, Shutup, and Poop.

They were riding along and they hit a bump in the road. Poop flew out the window, Manners went to see if he was alright, and Shutup went to get help.

Shutup found a cop and said, "help me help me, my friend has fallen out the window!" the cop said, "alright, what is your name?"

"Shutup."

"NO, what is your name?"

"SHUTUP."

"Where are your manners?!?!??"

"Down the street pickin up Poop."

 

 

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WHY ASK "WHY ?"?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas station when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer on a gun if you are going to kill a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
If you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're driving a vehicle at the speed of light, what will happen when you turn on the headlights?
You know most packages say "open here". What is the protocol if the package says "open somewhere else"?
Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on a driveway?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship its called a cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes. Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

 

 

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Dogs vs Man

How Dogs and Men are the same:

Both take up too much space on the bed
Both have irrational fears re vacuum cleaning
Both are threatened by their own kind
Both mark their own territory
Both are bad at asking questions
Neither tells you what is bothering them
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches
Neither does any dishes
Both fart shamelessly
Neither of them notice when you have a new haircut
Both like dominance games
Both are suspicious of the Postman
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone
Neither understands what you see in cats
How Dogs are BETTER than men

Dogs don't have a problem expressing affection in public
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong
Dogs admit when they are jealous
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
Dogs don't play games with you except fetch (and they never laugh at the way you throw)
Dog don't feel threatened by your intelligence
You can train a dog
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK the worst disease is rabies but there is a vaccine for it and you get to kill the one that gave it to you.)
Dogs understand what "no" means
Dogs understand when some of their friends can't come inside
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner
Dogs admit it when they are lost
Dogs are colour blind
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

 

 

 

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