To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!
SmileJokes of the Day For January 25, 2011
This drunk is sitting in a bar and asks the bartender, "Where's
the bathroom pal?"
The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right."
Well, a few minutes later, everybody at the bar hears this loud
scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few more
minutes go by and again they hear another loud scream coming out
of the bathroom. This time the bartender goes to investigate what
the drunk is screaming about. He knocks on the door and yells in
to the drunk,
"What's all the screaming about in here? You're scaring all my
customers away."
The drunk says, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to
flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my
balls."
With that, the bartender opens up the door, looks in and says,
"No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket!"
SmileJokes of the Day For January 26, 2011
12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
SmileJokes of the Day For January 27, 2011
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell.
"What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked,
"Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.
As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
SmileJokes of the Day For January 28, 2011
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
SmileJokes of the Day For January 29, 2011
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
SmileJokes of the Day For January 30, 2011
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there,
drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
SmileJokes of the Day For January 31, 2011
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the
4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was
driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked
down into the eyes of little boy.
'Mister,' he said, 'I want to buy one of your puppies.'
'Well,' said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck,
'These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.'
The boy dropped his head for a moment.
Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change
Is that enough to take a look?'
And with that he let out a whistle.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced
As the dogs made their way to the fence,
the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp
it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling
toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
'I want that one,' the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt
down at the boy's side and said, 'Son, you don't want that puppy. He will
never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.'
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began
rolling up one leg of his trousers.
In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg
attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, 'You see sir, I don't run too well
myself, and he will need someone who understands.'
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.
Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy.
'How much?' asked the little boy. 'No charge,' answered the farmer, 'There's no
The world is full of people who need someone who understands.
--
Thanks
Liamvks@gmail
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