SmileJokes of the Day For Jan 31, 2008

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a

Canadian man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. 'We're

Sorry sir, But we have some information about your wife,' said one

Mounties.

 

'Tell me! Did you find her?' the anguished husband sobbed.

 

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news,

Some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear

First?'

 

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news first.'

 

The Mountie said,'I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but this morning we

found your wife's body in the bay.'

 

'Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's

the good news?'

 

The Mountie continued,'When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25 lb.

snow crabs & 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.'

 

Stunned, the husband demanded,'If that's the good news, what's the

great news?'

 

The Mountie said, 'We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!'

Customer care in 2010

 Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have you’re..."

Customer: "Hello, can I order.."

Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold.......... on......889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator: "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan
Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile
is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood
Pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.9! 9"

Customer: "Can I pay by! Credit card?"

Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year.
That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you’ve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas; I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: “What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."

Customer: “????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: Nothing” by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "

Customer: "***%&$%%### You $##$%%@!)))"
Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: Faints...  

 

Smile Jokes Thought for the Day

Smile Jokes Thought for the Day

January 26, 2008

Happiness

We're all after the same thing, and that's happiness.
We want peace of mind.
The trouble with us alcoholics was this:
We demanded that the world give us happiness and peace of mind
in just the particular way we wanted to get it -- by the alcohol route.
And we weren't successful.
But when we take time to find out some of the spiritual laws,
and familiarize ourselves with them, and put them into practice,
then we do get happiness and peace of mind. . . .
There seem to be some rules that we have to follow,
but happiness and peace of mind are always here, open and free to anyone. 
 c. 1980 SMILE JOKESWS, Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers,  p. 308
With permission, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Thought to Ponder . . .

Happiness is not a station we arrive at; it's a way of traveling.

Smile Jokes-related 'Alconym' . . .

H J F = Happy, Joyous, Free.

 

SmileJokes of the Day For Jan 30, 2008

Circus owner

 

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired airline pilot in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

 

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

 

The girl says, "I'll go first."

 

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

 

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

 

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired pilot and asks, "Can you top that?"

 

The tough old pilot replies, "No problem, just get that stupid lion out of the way.

SmileJokes of the Day For Jan 29, 2008

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast and every- body had to be off the streets by 10pm or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.

 

"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.

 

"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it home before 10pm."

Password Problem

Bhola calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with his password.

 

No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.  

 

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," he says. 

 

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains,

 

"So if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."  

 

"Yeah," he says,

 

"But they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

SmileJokes of the Day For Jan 28, 2008

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.



Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'



'Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid.



So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.



When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?



Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000'



'That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???'



'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!'

Time

Some Americans were touring the arab marketplace
And one of them saw a man on the ground brushing
his camel. "Excuse me, sir," the American said.
"Do you know the time?” The Arab looked at the
American. The he reached over and held the camel's
balls, moving them slightly."Ten after two," he
said, at last.

"My word!" said the American. He caught up to his
tour group and insisted some of the others return
with him, "You've never seen anything like this!"
he promised.

The group went back with him. Again he asked for
the time. Again the Arab camel driver reached for
the camel's balls. He seemed to be weighing them
as he moved them to and fro. Finally, he announced:
"Twenty-one minutes past two."

The others were amazed. They went on their way, but
the original discoverer of the miracle time-teller
remained. He leaned over. "Listen," he confided to
the Arab. "I'd give you anything to know how you do
that. I'll give you twenty American dollars if you
show me how you tell the time."

The Arab camel driver thought for a moment, and then
nodded. Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned
for the American to kneel down where he was. Then he
took the camel's balls and gently moved them to the
side, out of the way. "Do you see that clock over
there?" he asked.

SmileJokes-A-Day

 

 

Google Groups: You've been added to sweetsjokes

smilejokes@gmail.com smilejokes@gmail.com has added you to the sweetsjokes
group with this message:

Here is the group's description:

hi

----------------------- Google Groups Information ----------------------

The owner of the group has set your subscription type as "Email", meaning that
you'll receive a copy of every message posted to the group as they are posted.

To view this group on the web, or edit your subscription, you will need to
create a Google Account by going to:

http://www.google.com/accounts/NewAccount?service=groups2&dEM=skmurugan1.freejoke%40blogger.com&continue=http%3A%2F%2Fgroups.google.com%2Fgroup%2Fsweetjokes%2F%3Fhl%3Den

Visit this group on the web by using this URL:

http://groups.google.com/group/sweetjokes?hl=en

You can unsubscribe from this group using the following URL:

http://groups.google.com/group/sweetjokes/unsub?u=WaI5TAgAAACHzdmVZVTlx-SomGBl5iLC&hl=en

-------------------- Information About This Message --------------------

If you feel that this message is abuse, please inform the Google Groups staff
by using the URL below.

http://groups.google.com/groups/abuse?direct=MQAAANVITgB2ja4GJvNcBg&hl=en

Teachers Jokes

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" 
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

JUST A FEW GOOD SMILES & LAUGHS.....

• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
• Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair-stylist you like.
• Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
• One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
• Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
• I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
• I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
• Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
• The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
• Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
• Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
• Can it be a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards.

Joke of The Day For Jan 17, 2008

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something.
If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.
Now, what was it she wanted?"
"Rain."

Joke of The Day For Jan 16, 2008

Super Computer

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father?" he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."

 

Thought for the Day

Thought for the Day

January 16, 2008

Time

I find that today builds into tomorrow.
I find that we don't just "get somewhere" -- we go there, one day at a time.
I find it a luxurious sensation to be sane..
And what is time to me now? It is a most precious asset.
I have the luxury of being able to cherish the memory of yesterday,
to live today with serenity, to wait for tomorrow.
I find great contentment in just knowing where I was and where I am.
And I am grateful; grateful for the existence of Alcoholics Anonymous;
Grateful to my God for leading me to the doors of AA and to himself,
Grateful for hope.
I am grateful for this minute. My eternity may be in it.
c. 1986 The AA Grapevine, Inc., The Best Of The Grapevine [Vol. 2],  p. 21

Thought to Ponder . . .

Life is an ongoing miracle.

AA-related 'Alconym' . . .

T I M E = This Is My Eternity.

 

Texas rancher

A Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris.

They were hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

When the waiter arrived, the rancher said," I'll have a BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK."

The waiter replied, "Monsieur, what about Ze Mad Cow?

“He replied, "She'll have a Salad."

Joke of The Day For Jan 15, 2008

Drinking Politics

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."

"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

Bar Joke!

A man, his son, and a dog walk into a bar.

"Ow!"

"Ow!"

"Woof!"

Honesty is the best policy....

 Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.  So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north AB out 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

 

Made my money Options

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

 

backup

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."

Joke of The Day For Jan 14, 2008

There was a man who had worked all of his life, and had saved all of his money, and was a real miser.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, and she went over to the casket and put it in.
Then the undertaker locked the casket down, and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "Girl, now I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?"
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put all the money in the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me that you really did it !!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got all the money together, put it into my checking account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Name Please

A teacher showed only a leg of a bird and asked a student to show the name of the bird.
Student: Sorry mam !
Teacher: You fail!
Student: Sorry Mam. I can’t! Can I Go out side?
Teacher: What is your name?
The student showed his leg and said you tell please!!!!!!!

I'm the Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that

Read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

" Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"