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| Smile Jokes : 296 | Daily Smile

2011-02-26T23:17:00.000+05:30

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| Smile Jokes : 295 | Smile Joke

2011-02-26T23:09:00.000+05:30

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years.

Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."

"Memory school? What memory school?"

Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower . . . "

"A rose?" asked Red.

"Yeah, that's it!" Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

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| Smile Jokes : 294 | Smile Jokes

2011-02-25T11:38:00.000+05:30

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate
of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping
through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old
now''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly
hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

"He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first
started school''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words,
says . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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| Smile Jokes : 293 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 24, 2011

2011-02-23T22:06:00.000+05:30

Little Johnny's at it again.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her Psychology courses.

She started her class by saying,

"Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!

" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said,

"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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| Smile Jokes : 291 | Marriage woes...

2011-02-23T00:23:00.000+05:30

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
------------ --------- --------- ----
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women
and then he turns them into Wives.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
If u r married please ignore this msg,
for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Girlfriends r like chocolates,
taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like leftovers, eaten when there's no choice.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would
go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you
continue to do so for the rest of your life!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Here comes the Ultimate One :)
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

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| Smile Jokes : 290 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 23, 2011

2011-02-23T00:16:00.000+05:30

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says,

"Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and <poof!> she's gone.

The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and <poof!> she's gone.

The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says

"No, Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'! "

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| Smile Jokes : 291 | Daily Smile

2011-02-23T00:13:00.000+05:30

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.

"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'SHIT!'"

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| Smile Jokes : 288 | Daily Smile

2011-02-21T22:53:00.000+05:30

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| Smile Jokes : 288 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 22, 2011

2011-02-21T22:47:00.001+05:30

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she
agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have

18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and
again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please?

Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over
and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.

<http://groups.google.com/group/smilejoke?hl=en> He tapped his wife on the
shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not
being funny ..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!."

<http://groups.google.com/group/tamiljoke> Description: Description:
TamilJoke3

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| Smile Jokes : 287 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 21, 2011

2011-02-20T23:33:00.001+05:30

An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions... A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession.

"Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Fanny Green."

"That is your sin?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say one 'Our Father.'"

The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels.

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month."

The priest thinks to himself this Fanny Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners... "Those are your sins?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Marys.'"

The man leaves.

Soon, another man enters and kneels down.

"Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last six months."

This time, the priest has to ask - "Who is this Fanny Green?"

"Just a woman I know, Father."

"Very well, you are forgiven. Go out and say ten 'Hail Marys.'"

The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Fanny Green woman is...

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy.

"Pssssst. Is that Fanny Green?"

The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

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| Smile Jokes : 286 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 20, 2011

2011-02-20T23:31:00.001+05:30

Little Johnny was walking down the street with his mother.

They stopped outside a woman's clothing shop and Johnny's mother knew it would embarrass him to go inside so she told him to wait outside. Before she had a chance to go inside,

Little Johnny saw a used condom lying on the pavement.

"What is that mummy?" he asked.

His mother looked mortified when she saw the used condom and hastily said, "Um, it's a biscuit Johnny, but it's on the ground and dirty, so don't touch it!"

Confident that Little Johnny wouldn't touch it she went in the shop. When she came out 10 min later she saw the condom was gone.

"You didn't eat the biscuit, did you Little Johnny?" she asked.

"Of course not, it was dirty, so I just licked the cream out from inside it."

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| Smile Jokes : 285 | Smile Jokes

2011-02-20T23:29:00.001+05:30

The doctor at a regional hospital tells his patient, "I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?"

The patient asks for the bad news first. "I have the results of your examination of your injuries to both your feet and we're going to have to amputate right away."

"That's the bad news? How could there be good news?"

"See that man in the lobby? The seedy-looking fellow?"

"Yeah," says the patient. "What about him?"

The doctor looks at the patient with a grin, "He wants to buy your shoes!

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| Smile Jokes : 284 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 19, 2011

2011-02-19T23:43:00.000+05:30

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart"....

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| Smile Jokes : 283 | Intelligent Indians

2011-02-19T23:40:00.001+05:30

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is.

He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

"Correct.. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs up and says," Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleezza Rice to the test.

Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong ..

It's Manmohan Singh!"

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| Smile Jokes : 282 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 18, 2011

2011-02-19T00:01:00.001+05:30

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

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| Smile Jokes : 281 | Daily Smile

2011-02-18T23:59:00.001+05:30

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| Smile Jokes : 280 | Smile Jokes

2011-02-18T23:55:00.000+05:30

Conducting A Music Class

A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole band, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

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| Smile Jokes : 279 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 17, 2011

2011-02-17T23:16:00.000+05:30

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

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| Smile Jokes : 278 | Daily Smile

2011-02-17T23:11:00.000+05:30

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| Smile Jokes : 277 | For The Kids...

2011-02-15T23:37:00.001+05:30

What did the wizard say to his witch girlfriend?

Hello gore-juice!

What do you get if you cross a river with an inflatable wizard?

To the other side!

What do wizards stop for on the motorway?

Witchhikers!

What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a wizard?

Tyrannosaurus hex!

Why do witches wear pointy black hats?

To keep their heads warm!

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| Smile Jokes : 276 | KIDS' JOKES...

2011-02-15T23:35:00.000+05:30

Once there was an Irishman, an Englishman and an Australian who
decided to have a competition. While on top of the hill each man had
to chuck his watch in the air, then run down the hill and catch it
before it hit the ground.

So the Irishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and
SPLAT the watch hit the ground.

Then the Englishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill
and SPLAT the watch hit the ground.

Next was the Australian who chucked his watch in the air, ran down the
hill, went and had a beer, did the shopping, came back and caught his
watch.

"How did you do that?" asked the Irishman.

The Australian replied "My watch is 1 hour slow !!!!!"

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| Smile Jokes : 275 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 16, 2011

2011-02-15T23:32:00.000+05:30

A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.

"I win!" said Johnson.

Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!"

"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.

"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"

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| Smile Jokes : 274 | Smile Jokes

2011-02-15T23:30:00.001+05:30

You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online.

But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it?

Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any

cute friends.

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| Smile Jokes : 273 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 15, 2011

2011-02-15T00:02:00.000+05:30

Dear All,

Sumbit your value comments and feedback.It will be take few minutes !

Please visit http://pleasereplyme.blogspot.com

Please ignore this message in case your made already.

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A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination,

found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him,

"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

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| Smile Jokes : 272 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 14, 2011

2011-02-15T00:00:00.000+05:30

Dear All,

Sumbit your value comments and feedback.It will be take few minutes !

Please visit http://pleasereplyme.blogspot.com

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Friends Team

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door

and said, "Do you see how devoted that couple is to each other? He kisses

her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

The husband replied, "Okay, dear, but I don't really know her that well."

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| Smile Jokes : 271 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 13, 2011

2011-02-14T23:58:00.001+05:30

Dear All,

Sumbit your value comments and feedback.It will be take few minutes !

Please visit http://pleasereplyme.blogspot.com

Please ignore this message in case your made already.

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Friends Team

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has,

you wish you had ordered that.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things

as women and then he turns them into Wives.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
If u r married please ignore this msg,
for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.

It's called marriage.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Girlfriends r like chocolates,
taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there's no choice.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved

her so much that he would go through hell for her.

They got married and now he is going thru hell.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures

you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

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| Smile Jokes : 270 | Daily Smile

2011-02-14T23:49:00.000+05:30

Dear All,

Sumbit your value comments and feedback.It will be take few minutes !

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| Smile Jokes : 269 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 12, 2011

2011-02-12T23:45:00.001+05:30

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. . . The guys were excited and relieved. . . They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy. . . . then they turned the page. On the second page was written. . .

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

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| Smile Jokes : 268 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 11, 2011

2011-02-12T23:38:00.001+05:30

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.

It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up, you know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says, ....oh God, she sounded sexy!!

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like for you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky, the whole night long! You name it, we'll do it. Bring your implements, toys, everything you want".

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

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| Smile Jokes : 267 | For The Kids...

2011-02-12T23:33:00.000+05:30

For The Kids...

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.

One at a time, please.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.

Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.

I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.

Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory.

When did it happen?

When did what happen?

Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What shall I do?

Well, for a start, don't point him at me.

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| Smile Jokes : 265 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 10, 2011

2011-02-09T23:10:00.000+05:30

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a Secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Or could he?

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Glendale High School.

"Yes! Yes, I did! I'm a Mustang!"

"When did you graduate?"

"in 1957. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!"

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled, bald, fat, gray, decrepit son-of-a-you-know-what asked ... "what did you teach?"

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| Smile Jokes : 264 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 09, 2011

2011-02-09T23:06:00.000+05:30

Husband to wife: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

"I clean the toilet bowl."

"How does that help?"

"I use your toothbrush."

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| Smile Jokes : 263 | Daily Smile

2011-02-09T23:04:00.000+05:30

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| Smile Jokes : 263 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 08, 2011

2011-02-09T22:58:00.001+05:30

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"

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| Smile Jokes : 262 | For The Kids...

2011-02-09T22:49:00.000+05:30

For The Kids...

What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake?

A witch with a drum kit!

What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?

A witch in soggy shoes!

What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?

Lucky!

What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?

Broom mates!

Thanks

Liamvks@gmail

| Smile Jokes : 261 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 07, 2011

2011-02-06T23:15:00.001+05:30

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.

The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.

Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

Thanks

Liamvks@gmail

| Smile Jokes : 260 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 06, 2011

2011-02-06T23:13:00.000+05:30

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that’s amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

Thanks

Liamvks@gmail

| Smile Jokes : 259 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 05, 2011

2011-02-06T23:12:00.001+05:30

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

it’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... Then, Pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."

Wife: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight."
Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her while she speaks.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

Thanks

Liamvks@gmail

| Smile Jokes : 258 | Daily smile

2011-02-06T23:04:00.000+05:30

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Liamvks@gmail

| Smile Jokes : 257 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 04, 2011

2011-02-04T14:50:00.000+05:30

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| Smile Jokes : 256 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 03, 2011

2011-02-04T14:41:00.001+05:30

Little Johnny went to his first school dance. He didn't know if he would ever get up the nerve to ask a girl out to dance.

As the night went on everybody was dancing except Little Johnny. He just sat in the corner looking at everyone having fun.

Finally as the last song started to play Little Johnny spotted two very cute girls across the room sitting at their table.

He walked over and asked one if she would like to dance.

She looked him up and down and said "I am sorry but I am very particular with whom I dance with."

Little Johnny being the smart boy that he is, replied, "You can dam will see that I am not."

Thanks

Liamvks@gmail

| Smile Jokes : 255 | WIFE VS. HUSBAND

2011-02-04T14:35:00.000+05:30

1. The Silent Treatment...

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
Other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
He would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
And he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and
See why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
The bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

2. WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws''

3. WOMEN'S REVENGE..

'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV Remote?'
I asked.

'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

4.. UNDERSTANDING WOMEN..
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider...

5. W O R D S..

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

6. CREATION..

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !!!

7. WHO DOES WHAT..

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'

The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
That the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
And showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says......... ..'HEBREWS'

Thanks

Liamvks@gmail

| Smile Jokes : 254 | Smile Jokes

2011-02-01T22:50:00.000+05:30

Thanks

Liamvks@gmail

| Smile Jokes : 253 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 02, 2011

2011-02-01T22:43:00.000+05:30

| Smile Jokes : 252 | Smile Jokes

2011-02-01T00:26:00.000+05:30

Thanks

Liamvks@gmail

| Smile Jokes : 251 | Politically incorrect jokes

2011-02-01T00:20:00.000+05:30

Politically incorrect jokes

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer is Africa.

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.

I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden

Thanks

Liamvks@gmail

| Smile Jokes : 250 | SmileJokes of the Day For February 01, 2011

2011-02-01T00:15:00.000+05:30

A Grandmother was talking to her young grandson, trying to explain the dangers of smoking.

"Now Johnny," she said, "you have to promise Grandma that, once you're a grown man, you will never smoke, and never drink."

"Never, Grandma?" asked little Johnny.

"Never, boy, not even once," replied the grandmother.

With his eyes wide as saucers, Johnny asked "But won't I get thirsty?"

Thanks

Liamvks@gmail

| Smile Jokes : 249 | Smile Jokes

2011-02-01T00:03:00.001+05:30

Thanks

Liamvks@gmail

| Smile Jokes : 248 | SmileJokes of the Day For January

2011-01-31T09:17:00.000+05:30

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00

Court Costs - $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!

SmileJokes of the Day For January 25, 2011

This drunk is sitting in a bar and asks the bartender, "Where's

the bathroom pal?"

The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right."

Well, a few minutes later, everybody at the bar hears this loud

scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few more

minutes go by and again they hear another loud scream coming out

of the bathroom. This time the bartender goes to investigate what

the drunk is screaming about. He knocks on the door and yells in

to the drunk,

"What's all the screaming about in here? You're scaring all my

customers away."

The drunk says, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to

flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my

balls."

With that, the bartender opens up the door, looks in and says,

"No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket!"

SmileJokes of the Day For January 26, 2011

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

SmileJokes of the Day For January 27, 2011

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell.

"What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked,

"Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.

As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

SmileJokes of the Day For January 28, 2011

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

SmileJokes of the Day For January 29, 2011

____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

SmileJokes of the Day For January 30, 2011

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there,

drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning our neighbour James dropped dead on our Porch."

SmileJokes of the Day For January 31, 2011

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the

4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was

driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked

down into the eyes of little boy.

'Mister,' he said, 'I want to buy one of your puppies.'

'Well,' said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck,

'These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.'

The boy dropped his head for a moment.

Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change

and held it up to the farmer.

'I've got thirty-nine cents.

Is that enough to take a look?'

'Sure,' said the farmer.

And with that he let out a whistle.

'Here, Dolly!' he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls

of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced

with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence,

the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp

it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling

toward the others, doing its best to catch up...

'I want that one,' the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt

down at the boy's side and said, 'Son, you don't want that puppy. He will

never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.'

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began

rolling up one leg of his trousers.

In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg

attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, 'You see sir, I don't run too well

myself, and he will need someone who understands.'

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.

Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy.

'How much?' asked the little boy. 'No charge,' answered the farmer, 'There's no

charge for love.'

The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

Thanks

Liamvks@gmail

| Smile Jokes : 247 | Smile Jokes of the Days

2011-01-29T14:42:00.000+05:30

| Smile Jokes : 246 | SmileJokes of the Day For January 21, 2011

2011-01-20T22:32:00.000+05:30

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| Smile Jokes : 245 | SmileJokes of the Day For January 20, 2011

2011-01-20T00:02:00.000+05:30

Thanks

Liamvks@gmail